This Ecourse Will Help You Quadruple Your Leads With an Accursed Artifact of Unspeakable Power

Does your business exchange goods and/or services for currency?

Do you collect contact information like email addresses, and then use this information to get in touch with prospects?

Are you willing to channel unknowable, volatile forces, the likes of which have never been seen on Earth before, solely for financial gain?

If you answered YES to any of these questions, this online course is for you!

FIND OUT WHY ALL OF THESE GREAT COMPANIES HAVE CHOSEN US AS THEIR SOLUTION

The World of Digital Marketing is Changing

In this rapidly changing atmosphere of #hashtags, native advertising, SEO, PPC, CPC, BYOB, etc., it can be hard to know where you should focus your marketing efforts.

But You Have a Trump Card ...

… And it ISN’T just some intangible concept on the World Wide Web. It’s something you can touch and hold, and if you listen very closely, you can hear it softly whispering the names of people you have yet to meet.

Isn’t the Market-ization of These Ruinous Relics Just a Passing Fad?

You may have already been worn out by the internet hype machine’s incessant droning-on about how these objects, which have razed cities to the ground and corrupted the minds and hearts innumerable kings and queens over the course of human history, can be used to bring more leads into your funnel.

And it’s true. Relic-based marketing is the Latest Big Thing. But it will continue to be a Big Thing well into the future, and even into the past, since the power of such an artifact is unconstrained by time and space, nor any of the other mere laws that hold our universe together.

Most marketers know only how to summon the object’s Power. But they know not how to summon its All-Seeing Terrors, its Spires of Unending Flame, its Conversion-Rate Enhancing Algorithms.

You will learn all of these things and more in this course. Or else.

Nancy’s Business FLOURISHED Thanks to Her Own Fragment of the Damned

Nancy’s Flower Shop was in some seriously dire straits! Her next-day flower delivery service wasn’t getting the online traction it needed. Just as she was beginning to run out of rope, a one-eyed fragment of incredible might materialized in her sink.

“With my own ancient antiquity in hand, new customers began to appear overnight! I couldn’t keep up with the orders! That’s mostly because I was really slowed down by the fact that they all communicated in an ancient script, the very appearance of which fills me with a subtle terror. But my gosh, the sales!”

See How Nancy Uses Her Artifact to Keep the Flowers Growing!

How to Obtain Such an Artifact

Ready to get started, yet not currently in possession of an object that can summon the forces that wait beyond The Wall Which Must Never Be Breached? It’s not like you can just grab one at the convenience store, after all!

One of our in-house Artifact Arbiters would be happy to help you organize a guided expedition to the Forgotten Ruins of the Howling Hands, where these incomprehensible heirlooms may be unearthed. Alternatively, CostCo has them in 4-packs for $19.99.

The “NOW YOU’RE MARKETING WITH (INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS) POWER” Course:

A 5-day Guide to Controlling What Cannot be Controlled

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much might I muster, I cannot exhaust the Spire of Unending Flame.

Well, yeah. It’s unending.

Frequently Asked Questions

Jess Jaunty

Current content marketer,

soon-to-be Incarnation of Seething Despair

I’m just thrilled with the results my relic has produced. Not only has it generated a ton of new business, it’s enabled me to completely obliterate my competition. Literally! Ha ha ha ha!

Eric Enigma

Custom Tortoiseshell PC Case Crafstman

I knew that this memento of bygone darkness could be used to unlock incredible marketing potential, but I wasn’t prepared for just how effective it is! No, really. I wasn’t. I’m still not.

Day 1

Setting Up Your Brand New Relic of Imbued Evil

Day 2

Hushing the Murmurs That Do Not Cease

Day 3

Integrating with Marketo

Day 4

Productivity Tips For You and Your New Pet

Day 5

Email Marketing! And the Endless Void That Awaits

My accursed artifact is emitting an incessant, loud hymming, as if a plague of locusts was approaching.

This means the Marketo integration was successful.

Are there any risks to using an object that is saturated with several millennia's worth of sorrows for marketing purposes?

Not really! Accursed artifacts are a sound investment that will reliably increase both the number of leads and their quality. There are some minor issues — for example, temporary or permanent separation of the soul and body — but these can be corrected by installing a custom firmware.

What industry experts are saying about

ARTIFACT-ORIENTED MARKETING

START MARKETING WITH (INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS) POWER TODAY

Start the course for just $49.99 and a solemnly sworn oath

Your Satisfaction Is 100% Guaranteed Or Your Money Back

We keep the oath. And so do They.